May 2011
1 post
Reblog if you are over 30...
thejerkstore:
samsplace:
tweten:
ericangevine:
I hope that includes over 40.
retrogasm:
I want to know who all the over 30 tumblr’s are (like me) so I can follow you…
*I am following all who reblog this… it’s kind of nice to have some company from the over 30 crowd…
Yet, still a young buck at heart
Very Much So
But I still feel like a 17 year old with the keys to the liquor...
January 2011
1 post
2 tags
September 2010
3 posts
1 tag
2 tags
3 tags
August 2010
4 posts
Happy Belated Birthday
July 30th marked the one year anniversary of twoBASTARDS…and this post is our 100th. Yah! I think that calls for a redesign of the site. And by that I mean picking a new theme.
Which Wich, is which?
Why don’t the people that make sandwiches put the same amount of condiment on your sandwich as they do on theirs? ”Why yes, I did want to choke on mustard while eating my sandwich. How the shit did you know that?!”
The New 10-Second Rule
If you walk indoors and you haven’t removed your sunglasses within 10 seconds, you are a douche. And really its more like 3 seconds. And for you folks that wear transition glasses…well, I don’t know what to tell ya.
June 2010
1 post
3 tags
April 2010
2 posts
March 2010
3 posts
Yes...I'm that lazy.
I’ve gone an entire time change never setting my bedside clock to the new time. Here we are 6 months later and the time is correct again. Success!
4 tags
February 2010
8 posts
Anonymous asked: How many turds does it take to make a "shit ton"?
Got a question for a bastard?
Ask us anything
Its official
I have more fun thinking up titles than actually working on posts.
It's because you're eating, dipshit.
Ever wondered why it is when you go to a restaurant the server always seem to come around when you’ve got food in your mouth? See title for explanation of this mind-boggling phenomenon.
5 tags
What Everybody's Thinking
I’m not Un-American. I watch the Winter Olympics so that proves the point, but I have to say I hate our Nation’s darling snowboarder with a passion. I’m speaking of Shaun White. If you don’t know who that is, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Rest assured he’ll be gracing a Wheaties box at your local grocery store within a week after pulling off his second...
Don't tell me what to do.
If someone says, “Hey, tell (insert mutual acquaintance here) that I said hello.” do you actually tell the person?
I maybe do 10% of the time. Or 1 out of 10 times, whichever comes first.
3 tags
A Theory of Scandalous Affairs
Over the course of my three or so years of experience as a food service industry server (read: bitch), there are certain truths (read: stereotypes) that persist. Is a stereotype still a stereotype even if its true? I guess. If I get a table of Canadians (read: black people), will I get stiffed? Probably. Is there someone in the kitchen whose immigration papers aren’t quite legitimate?...
January 2010
1 post
December 2009
8 posts
The Popcorn Pants Fairy Strikes Again
Went to see Avatar with a friend today. The plot was predictable but it was visually amazing. If you see it…see it on an IMAX screen. Afterwards 2 hrs and 45 mins later we went to the bathroom and as we’re walking out my friend says, “When I stepped up to the urinal and unzipped my pants…three pieces of popcorn fell out and hit the floor.” I have no idea how this...
1 tag
Sex Pack
Men’s Health was right! Women love a tight 6-pack on dudes. Scientifically, a rippling stomach has the same effect on the female brain as Roofies and Robert Pattison’s constipated, brooding look-COMBINED, look it up, it’s on the internet now, that makes it true! But let’s be honest, I don’t have the will power to work towards one by actually exercising. Nor do I...
3 tags
The Great Burger King Scam of 2009
So this time I got to experience the cheapness of my grandmother-in-law first hand. I stop by her office where my wife helps out some. When I was there, grandma asked me if I wanted to go to Burger King. At the same time she begins to pull out a coupon for a free whopper. I was in a hurry so I said maybe next time. It was obvious I wasn’t getting out of there without taking the coupon....
I'm calling bullshit.
So I’m pretty sure that no woman would want a pap smear as a present. And a Jewish woman…well…I’ll just stop here.
Not gonna bore ya...
But I lost my job. So now I’m working at the restaurant that I worked before “the job”. This should provide many insightful and/or retarded stories. Up first: Today a guy ordered a Rueben sandwich with no meat. That’d be a sour-kraut sandwich with thousand island dressing on rye bread. Think about it. Mmmmm…dry, huh.
November 2009
8 posts
For Bradley
Unlike me and Bradley, this dude has a job. And he’s a pro. Look at me…a pro.
4 tags
Speaking of Moms
What happens when mom writes the review.
from my buddy over here
1 tag
Dear Internet
The opposite of win is lose. The opposite of fail is succeed.
1 tag
A Douche By Any Other Name
A guy with the same name as me just sent me a friend request. My name is kind of unique so its interesting that there happens to be, somewhere out of millions of people, someone else with my same name. And I just remembered something…no its fucking not. It would have been funny to see reactions from people when I “befriended” myself, but also sending a request to my wife too...
3 tags
Beware the In-Laws: Volume 2
I got a call one afternoon from my grandmother asking me to meet her at Office Depot right down the street from my house. She sounded frantic and like she needed help, so I said sure thing, give me 5 minutes. When I pull in I see my dad, mom and aunt all pull in right behind me. We all park and start looking at each other like what the hell is going on?!?! We meet grandmommy right outside of...
2 tags
Halloween is the only time of the year that the people who work at the halloween store can dress like they normally do and not look like dumbasses.
October 2009
15 posts
5 tags
Buckner, Buckner, Bo-uckner, Banana-fana Fo
School Name Eliminated Due To Potential Rhymes
New Spring Hill School Won’t Be Called Buckner
SPRING HILL, Tenn. - When it comes to schools, what’s in a name? Apparently a lot, when you’re dealing with kids.
School officials in Williamson County are trying to settle on the name for a new middle school in Spring Hill. They’ve eliminated Buckner because of the potential...
Hmm....
Looks like somebody needs to widen their content area.
Tumblrshop: Vaccination Winners!
topherchris:
Wow, guys! Picking just five wasn’t easy, but after exhaustive internal debate I’m finally ready to present the winners of the latest Tumblrshop Challenge.
themattsmith:
lee:
teejayhanton:
kapi:
twobastards:
You really should take a look at them all.
Thanks to everyone for playing! You’re all winners, but only these five people get free posters. (If you won, email me...
1 tag
Been watching SNL for 1 hour now and every commercial has been for Bud Light Wheat. What the fuck.
2 tags
Press 1 for Obama
I called the White House last night. I got an automated answering system. Option 1 stated, ”For the President, press 1.” I thought this was hilarious so I pressed 1. Obama answers the phone and I asked him how a certain military aircraft was able to stay in the air when it makes such drastic turns. He told me how he didn’t know the answer and was really cool about it. I...
4 tags
