Sex Pack

Men’s Health was right!  Women love a tight 6-pack on dudes. Scientifically, a rippling stomach has the same effect on the female brain as Roofies and Robert Pattison’s constipated, brooding look-COMBINED, look it up, it’s on the internet now, that makes it true!  But let’s be honest, I don’t have the will power to work towards one by actually exercising. Nor do I have a convenient distaste for alcohol that makes a true washboard mid-section even fathomable. So why even care? I’ll just win chicks over with my tried and true 5 year strategy of starting off as friends. (The ‘friend-zone’ is like 2nd base to me) But a late-night, basic cable broadcast of 300 changed everything.

All the homo-erotic undertones aside, them guys got some great abs!!  How did they do it?  Some people may say it took a lot of working out, trainers, dieticians and time, but those people are all complete idiots. See, I work in TV, so I’m practically an expert on anything, and I’m pretty sure it was all CGI and expert airbrushing. So if those guys can fake it, I can fake it too!  Here’s where I’m really smart though, why spend the time airbrushing abs on every morning?  That’s just dumb.  There had to be a more permanent solution.  Enter my genius.  After nearly an hour of tedious focus and weird stares from my dog, I was done.  Staring back at me in the mirror was a Spartan warrior.  A beacon of masculinity shining for the whole world to see.  All it took was focus, patience, a stomach full of organically grown stomach fur and an old razor to scult it into the tightest abs you ever did see…and three band-aids. 

You may be thinking to yourself, I bet that looks incredibly awesome.  And you’re right! It does. Without so much as a single crunch I had done it. Look out ladies. Eat your heart out werewolf kid from Twilight who appears to be allergic to wearing shirts, ‘cause I’m gettin’ me some of your tween action! Here I come mall!

Yeah, of course it looked this good!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: Dateline, Day 2: I just broke out in a really bad razor rash.  It looks like my stomach just got a bad STD from a Vegas cocktail waitress and that my bodyhair just happens to grow in strange and unhealthy patterns. I DO NOT recommend this approach.  I can’t even lay on my belly, and I’m a stomach sleeper.  It’s awful.  And it’s like 12 degrees outside so who the Hell was gonna see it anyway.  What the fuck was I thinking? Damn Ambien! You got me again.