A Theory of Scandalous Affairs

Over the course of my three or so years of experience as a food service industry server (read: bitch), there are certain truths (read: stereotypes) that persist.   Is a stereotype still a stereotype even if its true?  I guess. If I get a table of Canadians (read: black people),  will I get stiffed?  Probably.  Is there someone in the kitchen whose immigration papers aren’t quite legitimate? Most likely. Is the serving staff made up of 85% alcoholics?  Absolutely.  If you ignore me when I greet you, does it make me want to fucking punch you in the back of the neck.  You have no idea.

Here’s the biggest (but also least exciting) truth of them all:  Diet coke drinkers will drink a minimum of four before the meal is over.  Minimum.  I am convinced that there has to be some tobacco industry mentality with whatever is in it.  Some sort of addictive substances that make the D.C. drinkers down so much.  I had a roommate in college that would drink 7-8 a day.   Tell me that doesn’t defeat the purpose of a diet drink.

Anyway, onwards to the point.  I had a theory.  New Coke was originally made as a type of addictive soda so that people would drink more of it.  However it flopped horrendously.  (Thank you, every marketing class ever taught.)  So what coke in turn did was do a slight re-formula of New Coke and packaged it as Diet Coke.  In my 90 seconds of research that preceded writing all of this revealed that Diet Coke was actually introduced three years before New Coke.  But get this…bum bum bum…it was basically the same ingredients as Diet Coke just mixed up a little differently.   No wonder that shit sucked so bad.  How anyone can stand that fake sweetener taste is beyond me.

So I don’t know if there are any addictive ingredient shenanigans or if its just made to  make the drinker more thirsty.  But something is up with it.

And to all you Diet Coke drinkers out there.  You wouldn’t get up from your dinner at home to get a drink 4-5 times, so when you go out to a restaurant, order a water too.  I’d much rather bring you 2 drinks at the beginning of the meal instead of having to constantly monitor your drink situation.  Plus, you might not be so mother-fucking thirsty.